Where is My Book Carrier?
by Moon Fever
Summary: Hermione is searching for her beloved this year, 15 and desperate. Follow the fun as Hermione goes on a mission to find her love. And a mission it is as she discovers the Hogwarts is a school full of inaccessible males. Hermione/Everyone :P


Summary: Hermione is searching for her beloved this year, 15 and desperate. Follow the fun as Hermione goes on a mission to find her love. And a mission it is as she discovers the Hogwarts is a school full of inaccessible males. Will she find her beloved?

Author's Notes: I wanted to write something totally out of character for Hermione...a parody of all the Hermione fics that make her beautiful with a tirade of admires. And I think this one...well, is weird. This chapter features Harry as Hermione's Target.

Hermione sat up sharply, her breath deep and quick as she wiped sweat from her furrow, she remembered the nightmare that she was running though a field full of shadowy men. As she tried to come on to them by thrusting her buxom chest towards the un-identifiable males, she was horrified to see them turning her back to her. This frankly horrified her.

Hermione lay back on her bed, listening to the quiet snores of Parvati and the little sighs from Lavender, wishing that in her life she had a lover...someone to caress and love her for her intellect and not glorious big bosom or tiny waspish waist *cough*

"Tomorrow! I shall find my lover...my beloved...my companion...my soul mate...my desired...my boyfriend...my non platonic male friend...my book carrier...my hair stroker....my butt squeezer...my bosom grabber...my boyfriend!" Hermione murmured underneath her breath, sighing quietly as she fantasised about her 'bosom grabber'. And suddenly, a bright light bulb appeared over her head as an excellent idea sprang into mind (Hermione, being the smart person she is tends to think too much, so as her good idea indicator she has magicked her brain into responding to a good idea/plan by casting a light bulb over her head...)

From the corner of the room, Lavender snuffled and rolled over. "Hermione, turn off your brain" she mumbled, and with that, Hermione's light bulb disappeared but a somewhat sly smile spread across Hermione's face as she herself started drifting into Guy Oriented X-Rated dream filled sleep.

***

Early morning light filtered through Harry's bed curtains, as he slowly opened his eyes he saw a dark blurry figure in his vision, fumbling for his glasses as he stared fearfully at the shadow, it suddenly darted away. Harry put his glasses on, somewhat confused. Though he merely shook it off and begun his morning ritual. Scratch, Stretch, Slap. 

Scratch: Harry started first by scratching first his head, from the forehead down to the nape of his neck, his face was contorted into a sort of pleasured grimace as her dug his nails into his scalp. After the head, he shoved his hand down his Pyjama bottoms and er - scratched his privates...and then his rear end.

Stretch: Next Harry yawned, extending his arms in a Y position. He then swivelled his body so his legs hung off the edge of the bed and started pretending to row a boat, whilst singing "Take My Breath Away" - Berlin. Don't ask me. Ask Harry.

Slap: Now Harry, started slapping his thighs. You can do this too, first you must imagine you're being drained of blood by a hoard of Mosquitos. Imagine the pain...the anguish, and then slap. Slap like you've never slapped before. As Harry is doing. He's such a good boy. Good Harry. No butt slapping is intended in this Morning Ritual.

Now, as Harry has finished his habitual Scratching, Stretching and Slapping he hopped out of bed. No, he literally hopped out of bed. Not squirmed out, not even tumbled out. He 'hopped'. Like a bunny rabbit. Ain't they cute? Well, Harry isn't that cute so let's ignore that comparison. Back to the story...

Harry tucked his pale elongated feet into the slippers and scurried around his bed, turning towards the gap in the curtains. He grasped them and threw them back. The sight that met his along with the glare of the sun was shocking. Too shocking to be described. Let's just say it concerns Hermione and what she isn't wearing.

"Hello Harry...." Hermione purred, readjusting the purple bra strap that had somehow slipped down her shoulder. Harry stared open mouthed, never has he seen Hermione with a corset on and Uncle Vernon's socks tucked underneath her bra. 

"Hey...Hermione! You stole my socks..." Harry said, and suddenly we're interrupted by the a tinny, whirling sound. Hermione turned her back and quickly began rummaging through the 'padding' in her size triple F bra. She then turned on her heel, and chucked the Sneakascope towards Harry.

"This was in them, " she murmured, pacing up to Harry and then placing a finger to his lips. "Why, you look handsome today..." And suddenly, a light bulb apparated above her head again, she removed her wand from her 'cleavage' and then tapped her head. With a sneaky smile, she used her free hand to trail it's way down Harry's arm, and she eased the Sneakascope out of his grasp and started moving it towards his groin. Just as she placed it upon Harry's *BEEP*, Hermione yelped in pain.

"Bastard! You bit my finger!" Hermione scolded, retracting her bleeding finger sucking it protectively. Harry shrugged looking down at the Sneakascope that had stopped whirling when it was dropped upon the ground.

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have put your finger on my mouth Hermione!" Harry retorted, "And the Sneakascope certainly doesn't belong THERE!"

"Why'd you bite me ,you untrustworthy evil blighter?" Hermione screamed, jumping up and down, a multitude of stolen socks falling out of her chest, along with a water balloon filled with instant custard.

"Because Sirius told me to execute my canine intuitions!"

"Canine intuitions? Well, then...if you were 'executing your canine intuitions' then you could have well taken me, right here on your bed!" Hermione yelled, glaring at Harry. "You don't deserve to be my ass-grabber or my hand holder!" Hermione then stalked away huffily, leaving Harry with 22 rolled up socks, 4 custard filled water balloons and 3 balls of wool. All that had dropped out of Hermione's expansive chest during her hissy fit. Along with the bra condiments, Harry was left with an aching groin, a confused state of mind and a wondering of what a 'ass-grabber' or 'Hand holder'...

Ron suddenly stepped out from behind his own set of curtains and laughed. "I heard everything..." he said, clutching his stomach in laughter at the prospect of Hermione's quest for a boyfriend.

OK...hmmm, I want a chapter dedicated to each possible male in Hogwarts but am having trouble deciding who to do next. Any ideas? Bwaaah...Silly and Stupid...I know this is but...I'm having fun picturing Hermione as a desperate boy maniac. Also, please review! Leaving a review really helps, and as well as that...tell me who you want in the next chapter! Thanks All.


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